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If you listen very carefully, you can hear my willpower breaking.

Love in this Club Fine Pizza Establishment

One of the places that somehow managed to terrify me and delight me as a very small child was Circus Pizza. It was pretty much the same as Chuck E. Cheese is today, but with a full band instead of the mouse. I never really got all that enthused by the animatronic characters performing the song, but like every curious child, peered behind the curtain to look at the corpselike state the characters occupied when not playing their songs. It was a bit frightening.

The reason for all this nostalgia? This video:

Apparently the original creator is doing this for stress relief with one of the remaining unconverted sets in his basement.  He even takes requests on his website.  I can’t really think of a better thing to do with these characters, especially since itmanages to take a particularly weird thing from my childhood and turn it into something awesome.

So I Didn’t Completely Hate The Apple

I’ve been wanting to see The Apple ever since I first read about it online. (Yes, I look up bad movies on the internet). All signs pointed to a glittery musical trainwreck, and while not entirely incorrect, I was also surprised to find that I didn’t completely hate the movie, either. I dare say I would watch it again. It’s bad, but it’s an enjoyable bad that actually entertains. For those of you unfamiliar, here’s the trailer:

Made in 1980, the movie is set in the far-of future of…1994. For those of you who had forgotten what 1994 looked like, here’s a quick reminder:

I don’t know how, but they nailed it exactly. Did I mention yet that in the film, disco apparently never died?

Anyways, the film starts out at the WorldVision song contest. The first screencap above is from the opening performers singing “The BIM song”, Involving a chant which sounds a lot like “Be! I Am!”.

And these are the protagonists/heroes of the film:

Let’s call them Adam and Eve Alphie and Bibi. They’re from Moose Jaw, Canada. They sing a love song so sweet it would make Donnie and Marie throw up. They win the crowd over after the BIM song untill a scheming music producer trying to rig the contest interferes with their performance.

Later that night, Alphie and Bibi go to a party the producer’s having for all his BIM artists There’s a lot of BIM crap in this movie–BIM is the record label, a triangular glass, the drink that goes in said glass, a pinball machine, and even a sticker that you put on your face. Another thing this movie has a lot of is overt Biblical references. It gets pretty hamhanded with them.

While at the party, Bibi gets taken to the roof by Dandi, one of the BIM song singers. He gives her drugs and they make out while a bunch of people watch through a skylight. Apparently this calls for a song, so all the drunk people with stickers on their faces start singing and dancing (really, dragging their partners) while Dandi convinces Bibi that she is “made for him”

Apparently in the future, everyone is retarded.

The next day, Alphie and Bibi go to see Mr. Boogalow, the record producer for BIM, about a recording deal. They’re not the only ones looking for fame that day, but they are the most normal looking people in the waiting room:

Side note: the main filming location for much of the film was a brand new convention center in what was then West Berlin. You see a lot of the same edifices and interiors throughout the movie. since we haven’t had one in about 2 minutes, the movie decides it’s time for another song, this time from Mr. Boogalow (who is tonedeaf, for the most part) on how “life is just like showbusiness in 1994″. This is Mr. Boogalow and what appears to be a man in drag:

When the young musicians finally reach Boogalow’s office (after 5 minutes of sequins, tap numbers, and baton twirling), Boogalow offers them a recording contract. Bibi’s ready to sign, but Alphie wants to read the contract carefully. He doesn’t have much of a chance to think, as Boogalow tells them the press is waiting to interview them in 20 minutes. Alphie immediately starts hallucinating that he and Bibi are in a horrible Broadway version of hell.

This number is really the worst of the film. WE GET IT. THE CONTRACT IS A TEMPTATION, MUCH LIKE THE APPLE IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN. WE DON’T NEED A GIGANTIC APPLE TO GET IT ACROSS. The lyrics for most of these songs are inane, but the person who wrote the following lines deserves to be set on fire:

“It’s a natural, natural, natural desire

To meet an actual, actual, actual vampire!”

The film handles these lyrics in its usual subtle fashion

At the end of all this, Bibi signs the contract, while Alphie runs off, not wanting to be trapped by Boogalow. Boogalow transforms Bibi into a pop sensation overnight, all while singing about how he’s a master of all his performers. In the end, Bibi winds up looking like Fergie

She’s set off on a west-coast concert tour immediately, singing a song that somehow connects patriotism and drug abuse. She does this while singing with a bunch of guys in leather on a soundstage. It’s all very odd.

Meanwhile, Alphie has gone made after losing Bibi, fondling his landlady and serenading her with the song he wrote about his lost love.

This seques to him playing the song for some recording execs, who say it’s “not what they’re looking for”. I actually think this song is one of the better ones in the film, and might have seen some success in other circumstances. Then again, I actually kind of liked this movie and occasionally watch “Manos: the Hands of Fate” to remind myself to appreciate the little things in films (quality dialog, coherent plot…you know, the little things).

Another side note about the movie: at its premiere in Hollywood, moviegoers were given promotional soundtracks. Reportedly, displeased with the movie, the viewers threw the soundtracks at the screen, damaging it extensively. I don’t blame them. There’s a lot of clunkers for the one or two semi-decent songs that populate the film. Isn’t the point of a musical, you know, the music? Apparently not.

So after all this, as he’s walking home, our hero sees that Bibi is leaving a nearby performance and tries to talk to her. She tries to get his help, but is pulled into a car and sped away while he gets the shit kicked out of him.

So logically they sing about how sad they both are. Bibi is tired and misses Alphie and her innocence. Alphie misses Bibi’s affection and wants her back. This is another one of the better songs in the film.

Alphie’s landlady (who’s surprisingly comfortable with breaking into her tenants’ rooms if she thinks they’re dead/oversleeping/there) snaps him out of his moping, and sends him off to find Bibi. Alphie heads back to BIM party headquarters, and runs into a gigantic party full of drag queens and Boogalow’s henchman Shake

Pandi, the other half of the BIM duo who’s had the hots for Alphie the entire movie, takes him away from all the crazies to have sex with him under the guise of helping him to find Bibi. She does this while slipping a mickey in his drink and dragging his drowsy ass to the first open bedroom she finds.

All this time, she’s singing what is possibly the most overtsong about sex I’ve ever heard: “I’m Coming”. There’s not even an attempt to make an entendre. The song’s basically about having sex. Pandi drags Alphie down the hallway, and right as she begins to have her way with him, we get…a room full of dancers all having artsy-dancer-interpretation sex

Seriously, every time you think the movie’s reached a new level of “WTF”, it goes one step beyond. That’s part of what makes it so amazing. It is a movie entirely devoid of shame, taste, or subtlety.

Back on track, Alphie finds a drugged out Bibi. She doesn’t recognize him and sends him away. All of a sudden he wakes up in a public park where a old gentleman leads him away to a hippie compound. Yep.

Bibi tells Pandi she had a dream of Alphie being at the house. Pandi tells her it was no dream and sends her away even though it poses a great danger to her. Bibi goes to Alphie’s old residence and finds that he’s moved in with all the hippies under the bridge in a cave. She goes to him.

A year later, she’s removed her sticker, he’s grown a fake-ish beard, and they have a child who is inexplicably way too old looking to be 1.

Boogalow comes looking for Bibi, who still owes him to the tune of $10 million from her contract. Then God comes in his white cadillac from the sky. You read that last sentence correctly

Hooray for Deus Ex Machina! God, excuse me, Mr. Topps, says he has come to take Alphie, Bibi, and all the other hippies to a new place where Boogalow can’t get to them. Pandi sees a chance for redemption and goes as well. The end.

Overall, it’s not the best movie ever made, but I’ve seen worse. This was entertaining in its outdated design of everything, hamhanded insertion of Biblical allegory, and sheer shameless balls. It’s a trainwreck, but it’s a hugely entertaining trainwreck I”d gladly see again with friends. Call me crazy, but I liked it.

I Want to Love You Tender

What better way to christen this list of distractions than with a godawful music video?All the way from Finlad, Armi & Danny’s “I wanna love you tender” is a time capsule of everything wrong in the late 70s/early 80s. Rather than try to describe it, I’ll let it’s flaws show themselves.

Note: if you pay attention, you can see the part where the choreographer took his smoke break and just let the dancers come up with their own moves for the interlude.

Now, here’s a more modern video using a similar concept (singer with unrelated dancers working as a group) that’s pulled off much more smoothly:

See you later tomorrow with more distractions.